How the Vampire Killed Christmas (and other beloved Holiday Tales)
by Jubalii
Summary: From the book of holiday magic comes several twisted tales of beloved favorites, straight from the heart of the Hellsing Universe. Rated T for mild language, suggestive themes, and an overabundance of substance abuse.
1. How The Vampire Almost Killed Christmas

**Author's Note:** Juju here! It's already the beginning of the retail holiday season, so you know what that means! (It means Juju's poor mind is already being boggled with Christmas songs at work, which are cleverly hidden among regular songs as some sort of sick, twisted subliminal messaging.)

Still, this little thing was born from my new love of the Hellsing IV Abridged, which was released a few days ago. This came about from the part where Alucard is angry because no one ever reads his Christmas list. That (plus the Major talking about Storage Wars) is my favorite part.

And, How the Grinch Stole Christmas is my favorite Christmas special, all because my childhood love of Dr. Seuss never left me when I grew up. I even fought my mom over a tiny Christmas ornament that was in the shape of the book "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish". Sadly, she won that battle, but not the war. Anyway, I make sure to watch the Grinch every year, and I always enjoy it as a nostalgic memory of my childhood.

So, in conclusion, enjoy this little tale, spun from the mind of Dr. Juju (with a little of Mother Ketti's help). I'm sorry that I don't have any bright, colorful pictures for you.

* * *

How the Vampire Killed Christmas

* * *

Every human down in London liked Christmas a lot,  
but Alucard, who lived under London, did not.

Alucard hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season,  
and though he never said, everyone (sorta) knew the reason.  
Walter thought his head wasn't screwed on just right.  
Pip speculated his pants were too tight.  
But Miss Seras, who knew him best of all,  
insisted that his heart was just too small.

But whatever the reason,  
head, heart or pants,  
he sat in his chair, boring Seras with rants.

Staring out at the world from beneath his red hat,  
he curled up in his throne and there he sat.  
For he knew if he dared to venture above,  
he'd be nauseated by humans and their gift-giving love.

"They've already hung holly," he snarled with a sneer.  
"Tomorrow is Christmas. It's practically here!"  
Then he growled, with gloved fingers anxiously drumming;  
"I must find a way to keep Christmas from coming."  
For tomorrow, he knew:

All the soldiers up there  
would wake bright and early. They'd rush for the door,  
and then! Oh, the noise! Noise, noise, noise, noise!  
That's one thing he hated; those men and their noise!

Then the humans, young and old, would sit down to a feast.  
and they'd feast, and they'd feast!  
And they'd feast, feast, feast, FEAST!  
They'd stuff their fat faces like pigs, like wild beasts!  
Which was something the Vampire King couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN, oh yes, then  
The worst of it all!  
Every person on estate, the tall and the small  
would stand close together and begin singing!  
All those bright, tuneless voices; obnoxiously _ringing!_

They'd sing, and they'd sing,  
and they'd sing, sing, Sing, SING!  
And the more that he thought of the Horrible Sing,  
the more that he thought: "I must stop this whole thing!"  
"Over fifty years I've put up with it now."  
"We're going to stop Christmas at Hellsing, but how?"

Then Alucard got an idea.  
An awful idea!  
Alucard got  
a wonderful, terrible, _genius _idea!

"I know just what we'll do!" Alucard ran a hand through his hair.  
"We're going to go to London; the square."  
And he chuckled, and chuckled "If _someone _makes trouble,"  
"then soldiers will work on Christmas, making double!"

"All I need is some bait,"  
Alucard looked around.  
But since bait doesn't live long, there's not much to be found.  
But did that stop the King?  
"No!" Alucard simply said.  
"If I can't find some bait, I'll make one instead."  
So he grabbed poor Seras, who wanted no part  
of the mean "Christmas tradition" he was about to start.  
Then,  
he used his power  
and with fledgling in tow,  
they landed in London  
amidst fresh snow.

And Alucard said "Get to it!"  
And Seras walked around  
to the humans and their bags  
that rushed through the town.

All the window displays were filled with bright toys,  
wishes in the minds of little girls and boys.  
and she made it to the first shop in the square  
underneath the old cathedral, with saints looking down  
and she looked back with a sad frown.

"Don't make me do it," she whispered in his mind.  
"Perhaps if you're good, you'll find  
that you'll get a gift that can help you  
when you're asleep and others have things to do."  
He smirked and replied, "Do as I tell you."

So she looked at a woman standing in the snow,  
and hypnotized her into having a row  
with the man next to her, which happened to  
bump into Alucard, and then guess who  
now had a reason to shoot them both down?  
Laughing uproariously as Miss Seras frowned.

Then he pointed across to the church's steps  
where a bishop and nun were handing presents  
to orphaned children that sat in the snow,  
simply because they had nowhere to go.

And he raised his hand, filled with glee  
"They'll be busy now, I guarantee!"

And as he pulled the trigger, a slight tug on his coat  
had him looking down, a hiss in his throat  
at the tiny girl with eyes blue,  
Little Emmy Lou, who was not more than two.

The mean man had been stopped by this human daughter,  
who was crying, because the shot man was her father.  
She stared at the King and asked "Mister, why?  
Why did you shoot my Daddy? Why?"

But you know, that vampire just didn't care.  
Thankfully, a Draculina with golden hair  
cut in with a smile and said  
"Don't worry, little girl. Your daddy's not dead!  
he's just an angel- A Christmas Angel!" she cried  
as she covered her master's mouth with the side  
of one dainty hand.

And her words calmed the child, and she patted her head  
and brainwashed her mother into taking her to bed.  
And when Emmy Lou was gone off with her Mum,  
her smile vanished and she turned quite glum.

"Master, why'd you have to be so mean?"  
He grinned at her, shrugging his lean  
shoulders.

Then they went around still, causing mayhem  
but to his dismay, he didn't' kill em'  
just to please his little childe.

It was a not long till dawn  
and the soldiers, now abed  
all the soldiers, still a-snooze  
when he packed up his girl  
under one hand and prepared to leave the square  
with a shadow and a twirl

Yet, they stayed at the fountain  
while he laughed his good fortune  
"Oh, the looks on their faces," he was devilishly humming  
"When they wake and find out no Christmas is coming!"  
"They're just waking up, and I know what they'll do;  
their mouths will hang open for a minute or two  
then all those fucking soldiers will just cry, boo-hoo!"

"That's a noise," he told Seras,  
"that I simply must hear."  
But he paused, because something else filled his ears.  
His childe wasn't listening; she looked through the snow shower  
for the sound was coming from the bell tower!

The sound wasn't sad,  
why, it sounded quite pretty!  
He knew it shouldn't be,  
but it was, VERY!

His looked at his fledgling, who sang with the bells;  
the first bells of Christmas, the slow and long pells  
that proclaimed that the baby Jesus was bore  
on a cold winter's night, many years afore.

She had her mouth open, dainty fangs gleaming  
in the cold air, her soft breaths steaming.  
He stared agape as the sound hit his ancient ears.  
"I haven't heard a sound like that in years!"

He hadn't stopped Christmas, not for his Seras.  
she was still filled with Christmas and presents.  
he'd known she'd been looking forward to this day,  
and he felt slightly guilty for taking it away.

And Alucard, with his boots in the snow icy,  
Stood thinking, quite puzzled, as she sang "God be With Thee"  
Then a tug on his sleeve and a gift came to view,  
with big eyes shining a watered-up blue.  
"Master," said she, "I got this for you."

"I know you hate being woken up on Christmas day,"  
she explained as he pulled the paper and threw it away.  
"These earmuffs, in black, will keep your ears  
from hearing the Geese and their wild, drunken cheers."

And what happened then?  
Well, not much to be true.  
Alucard never got a heart, size plus two.  
He still was a soulless bastard in part  
but for the one woman he had a small place in his heart  
he forced himself to sit and let her have fun,  
relax on the fountain, holster his gun,  
and slip his new earmuffs on under his hat.  
And readers, I tell you: that was that.

* * *

So ends my tale of an almost-killed Christmas:  
But wait, you want to know about the rest of us?  
Walter got a piano from his younger charge,  
on which he played (to much laughter)  
"You're a Mean One, Mr. Card."

Integra received, as a gift from a vampire,  
a dead cat, with a permanent tattoo  
of the tracks of a tire.

She ranted and raved and tore up the place  
and Alucard received several gunshots to his face.  
In the end, however, she did quite well  
with a bathrobe, new suit, and a crystal bell.

And what of dear Seras, so filled with cheer?  
from her officers a bouquet, from the Wild Geese, free beer.  
From her master, she expected nothing, but when she happened to see  
that he enjoyed his present from her, she was more than happy.

And, what of your author?  
For what does Juju hope?  
Three days off work, some reviews,  
and a bath-set with soap.

Juju waves to you all  
with a smile bright and clear;  
"Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or just Holidays,  
and have a happy new year!"


	2. Sir Integra's Hunting You Down!

**Author's Note:** This one is supposed to be the soldiers (or I guess the Wild Geese too) singing about their boss and how she rips them a new one whenever they screw up or slack off. I laughed hard while writing it. (I'm sure if she caught them singing it she'd be filling their hides with bullets.)

* * *

Sir Integra's Hunting You Down

* * *

Oh, you better watch out,

Cause you're gonna die

If she finds you out

You'll bid the world goodbye

Sir Integra's hunting you down.

She's made up her list

Of asses to beat

If you're still around

When's she done, it's a feat

Sir Integra's hunting you down.

If you're on the job sleepin',

Or even worse, just wait—

She'll tear you up and kick

Your behind back to Kuwait.

So you better watch out

Get ready to cry

She's gonna find out

Then sayonara, g'bye~

Sir Integra's hunting you down.


End file.
